It’s been a while since I’ve posted. I’m not much for writing. Anyway, after a talk with my husband, it finally hit me that my unhappiness in so many things really does stem from me just being unhappy with me. Am I happy now that I’ve figured that out? Not really. It’s like, I’ve known that, but didn’t really KNOW it if that makes sense. There are other things about him that I knew as well, and I still don’t really care for how it is… but that’s just how it is and how it will always be. That’s a part of marriage. Learning about each other, and just having to be ok with how things are going to be. Not allowing it to ruin your mood… which I have failed miserably at. He puts up with me a lot more than he should have to. I have to make the choice of whether or not I will allow things to get to me and make me miserable or upset, and in turn, upset him as well. It’s not worth it.

 That reminds me of the message I heard on Sunday morning at church. We had a guest minister, Chaplain Major Clayton Gregory, Jr. from Fort Benning. Is it worth it? Is doing things the way ‘I’ want them to be, no matter what… really worth the outcome that it can and will bring? There was a lot more to his message than just that that I got out of it.

Anyway, I am happier, but I wouldn’t say I’m as happy as I have been. But that’s something that only I can fix… *sigh*

I love our talks because it means we’re communicating instead of just bottling it all away only to fester into something not so good. I really am blessed. I have to keep my focus on the good though, because the devil wants nothing more than to get my focus on the bad. I’m looking forward to the changes in our lives and where God places us. I know I tell him all the time that I love him, but I feel like those little words could never express it to the extent of my love for him. There’s nothing I can do or say that can really show him.

As for myself, I haven’t been in my cocoun for quite sometime and I love that. I’m not alone there anymore. Yay. :-)  I do however dislike laying around the house, but there’s nothing really to do. Well, I take that back, there are things to do, but it’s too hot to go outside (or too dark depending on the time), and it’s more difficult doing things alone. Like the treadmill for example. I walked a mile the other day, but it’s so boring. I want to dance so bad. My body is not something I like to look at at all anymore. Dance relieves the stresses of life, and gets me in shape at the same time. It brings me joy. That’s what I love. It’s still my passion. Not more than my husband of course, but dance is in my blood. It’s me. Yes, God is number one in my life and He gave me this gift and ability. Not only is it therapy for me, but I feel He uses me in my dancing to be “therapy” for others at times as well. Dancing brings me peace. Watching dance is soothing, but saddening, since I know what it used to be like. I’m learning how to not let what I see in the mirror change my mood so much… but it doesn’t change my thoughts.

 Slight change of subject, these Bon Appetit things really do make my tummy hurt. I said I wasn’t going to have one today to see if I would be ok today since I haven’t been all the other days… Grrrr. Why do I do this?!?!?!

 Well, I’m at work right now. I’m thankful for my job, but I’m ready for God to move me to something where I can actually be more of what God wants me to be. These corporate rules make me and my faith feel like I’m bound in chains. I can’t really share His love and what He’s done for me much here. Otherwise I’ll be in trouble. In my e-mail signature for about a day I had a cross. My boss told me to remove it because of the rules and so I wouldn’t ‘offend’ anyone. Inside I was furious, but I listened to my authority that has been placed over me.

Ok, I’ve got to go. Enjoy your day.

I can’t seem to find it in anything anymore…

This path isn’t one I wanted. This part of my life is full of nearly everything that keeps me from happiness. Why do I keep comparing? I love you… so what’s wrong?

I can’t keep this up much longer… Today I felt that same old feeling that’s becoming so frequent. I’m surrounded by people, but I’m shut off from the ones I love most. Where’s the communication? I try, but you don’t want to hear me. No, that’s not fully true. You might want to hear me, but just not how I have to say it.

What makes me happy doesn’t seem to matter when I tell you. UGH!!!!! Love hurts so much…

This cocoon is becoming my closest friend. I talk to it more than I do you and…. :cry:  God help me…. What’s happening? This isn’t right…. This isn’t me…. but it’s quickly becoming me and I hate it…. and I do mean hate in ever description of the word. I’m losing my desire to care… but I still love with my entire soul. It must be me… still… it always is.

God, I know you’re here… I just don’t feel you… or hear you…  But I know you care about every word I speak to you. I know you love me. That’s what keeps me alive… That’s the only happiness I can find… God I need you to change me or something. Or just change something…. I can’t keep this up much longer…

I used to sing this with someone else, but I always thought about you… then I sang it to you… sort of.

The strands in your eyes that color them wonderful
Stop me and steal my breath.
And emeralds from mountains thrust toward the sky
Never revealing their depth.
Tell me that we belong together,
Dress it up with the trappings of love.
I’ll be captivated,
I’ll hang from your lips,
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above.

[Chorus:]
I’ll be your crying shoulder,
I’ll be love’s suicide
I’ll be better when I’m older,
I’ll be the greatest fan of your life.

And rain falls angry on the tin roof
As we lie awake in my bed.
You’re my survival, you’re my living proof.
My love is alive — not dead.
Tell me that we belong together.
Dress it up with the trappings of love.
I’ll be captivated,
I’ll hang from your lips,
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above

[Chorus]

And I’ve dropped out, I’ve burned up, I’ve fought my way back from the dead.
I’ve tuned in, turned on, remembered the things that you said

[Chorus:]
I’ll be your crying shoulder,
I’ll be love’s suicide
I’ll be better when I’m older,
I’ll be the greatest fan of your…
I’ll be your crying shoulder,
I’ll be love’s suicide
I’ll be better when I’m older,
I’ll be the greatest fan of your life.

The greatest fan of your life.
…greatest fan of your life.

* I find my list of things I need to work on continuing to grow rather then getting shorter. My passion for dancing is getting stronger, yet my desire to step into the classroom is getting weaker for stupid reasons.

* I don’t hate it. I mis-spoke. I hate the fact that it is what consumes you for hours… daily.

* My mom gave me some great advice months ago. Mom, I’ve found more than three… does that give me the right to find the others now? I know if I was to really ask you this question you’d say ‘no’. I’m failing miserably at your great advice. So much so that I hear, “Just chalk it up to another thing…”. How else am I supposed to let you know?

* Unhappy

* I often feel like friends know you better and that you confide in others rather than me. Part of me thinks that untrue.

* I don’t know you, but I’d love for you to open up to me much more.

* I just want to run away from it all. I have no one to talk to about it. You don’t want to hear it from me… and even if I was to speak with you, you wouldn’t really hear me anyway. And I can’t talk to you about it because what will you think of them, of me, of everything?

* I almost feel like I was 21 again, and that’s not a good thing.

* I love you

* I want my dream. God knows I want my dream to happen. Please God…

* I met you today… didn’t get to talk to you at all and I blame that on myself. Sorry… But I think you’re one of the better ones so far.

* I can’t anymore.

* Laughter feels good.
* I hate reading about it!

* I’m not giving up on you

* Nadious told me to do something for myself. To ’splurge’ and get something for me. Is it sad that I really couldn’t think of anything? That doesn’t mean there aren’t things I don’t want, trust me, there are lots of things I want. Some of which money can’t buy ’cause it’s not changing. It’s been the same way for years. God knows I need His powerful hand. Anyway, I felt very emotional about it. I want to do something, but it’s only a temporary thing. No matter what it was, it would only make me happy briefly and then back to reality. I’d rather pay the bills off and THEN splurge. But he made good points, and I agree.

* I’m beginning to feel like a hypocrite. Like one of those people that put a smile on all the time when they’re not smiling on the inside. Granted, you shouldn’t walk around with a sour face all the time if you feel that way inside because I know just making myself smile lifts my spirits. So I’ve been doing a lot of that…. and talking to God through a lot of tears in my cocoon.

* I don’t wanna be like this. You don’t want me like this.

* I do love life… I know it doesn’t sound like it.

* I just want to go to bed, not because I’m tired.

* Dance with me. Thank you.

* You are everything

* I wish I could give you everything

* Tiffers… I envy you sometimes.

* “I’ll Be” by Edwin McCain

* You are the love of my life… *Sigh*

…am I not desirable? It’s obvious what’s important to you… why do I feel like I’m so far down on the list? Someone once told me, if you really want to do something bad enough, you’ll find a way to do it. That is something I’ll never forget that you told me, so I try to apply that to several areas of my life. Yes it’s hard and requires sacrifice… but I feel like there’s nothing left of me to sacrifice but yet I sit back and feel like you’re the one watching the sacrificing… just sitting there…

I never knew there’d be so many tears of unhappiness in all this.

Please be patient as I’m setting up my very own blog here… this may take a while.